I'm Calling You Out, Rush Limbaugh!

"Phony" Soldiers Want to Pummel You...

2007-10-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

...as do I. But for some odd reason, you refuse to pony up to the challenge. Is it the liability concerns that are keeping you from accepting? In advance of the rather unlikely event that I were to get hurt, I could sign a waiver. Just trying to help, douche.

link

Rush Goes Green?

2007-03-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

...and I'm assuming also soft in the process, which explains why I have yet to receive a reply to my open invitation for a knock-down, drag-out, one-man-left-standing, eyeball-dangling-from-its-socket street brawl. Go enjoy your hot, yet still environmentally responsible, bathwater, you old goat.

A Manly Man's Soundtrack?

2006-12-11T12:03:00.000-08:00

Egads! I had blocked it from my mind for nearly a year, but you've reminded me yet again that one of your favoritest musical ensembles is...Mannheim Steamroller?!? For that alone, you deserve a royal, lace-collared ass-kicking. Me? When I get in that festive holiday mood, I crank up Papa James Brown's "Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto"--that song's got soul, and it's super-bad. Like me. When I'm handing out severe punishment to limp dishcloths like you.

A Finger-Wagging for The (So-Called) Great One

2006-11-28T07:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Rush,

Let me take a serious tone for a moment and address what I feel is an incredible shortcoming in your character. On the day after the election, you revealed on your broadcast that you felt "liberated" by the Democratic victory, and that you resented "carrying water" for a group of wayward, corrupt, and (according to you) non-conservative Republicans. You seemed happy to have the bums out so you no longer had to sniff their trousers. Good on you, buddy.

From where I sit, your listeners should feel extremely betrayed by you, and for a couple of reasons. Obviously, you confessed to them that you had been lying directly into their ears these past several years, that you didn't really believe that the party you were rallying behind still held to the principles of conservatism that you try so damned hard to espouse. That alone should earn you some well-deserved ire from your fans.

But behind this confession hides a bigger reason to turn away from you. You, Limbaugh, have the ear of the conservative half of the nation. In spite, of your self-depricating claims of unimportance, you have the power to influence the course of events as you sit in your comfy Atilla the Hun Chair ensconsed in your posh EIB studio. You could have spent these last few years serving as a corrective to the conservative slide. Rather than carry water for your corrupt politicos, you could have encouraged listeners to put more pressure on them to behave, to hold themselves close to the principles they pretend to hold. You did not. You lacked that moral courage. You can act as if you're above the fray in the aftermath of this past election, but you helped this happen.

I say again: you helped this happen. You deserve nothing less than complete irrelevance for that crime. Alas, I believe that you will not get that sentence; your forlorn listeners will cling ever the more tightly to the AM radio in the aftermath of November 7. And for that, they likewise deserve what they will get, every last crumb.

Enjoy your ulcer.

Poor, Poor Thing...

2006-11-09T05:46:00.000-08:00

Sad times for you, Mister Limbaugh. You must be feeling extremely frustrated right now. So frustrated, perhaps, that you might like to try and take those frustrations out on someone. I'll be your huckleberry. We can rumble street-style. It will be a pleasure to serve you...and to kick your rancid tail all up and down the alleyway.

Legalize It!

2006-10-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

I just know it has to be tearing both of you up inside... The two of you would make the most darling couple, really--finishing each other's sentences, straightening each other's tie, spouting out the same tired propaganda.

Enough daydreaming. Would you care to fight?

Preach, Coddler!

2006-10-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

Turns out El-Rushbo is a constituent of Congressman Mark Foley, he of the randy IM ministrations. Were you well served by him, Rush? Drawing cover for a child-tickler is really low, even for you. You could really benefit from a sound thrashing. . .

The Choice is Yours...

2006-09-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Rush--

Either:

1. accept my challenge to a bout of fisticuffs, get thoroughly trounced by me and thereafter forfeit any claim to manhood you doubtful may have once held, OR...

2. Decline my invitation and forfeit it outright.

I eagerly await your reply.

New Intro, Same Old Gall

2006-08-31T07:59:00.000-07:00

Heard a new bump on your show the other day. The silky-voiced announcer guy called you "a real man"--I almost did a spit take on the spot, but restrained myself so as not to waste any of my fine Jack Daniels whisky. "A real man"--are you kidding me? You know where everyone's mind is going to jump to once they hear that, right? That little incident with the Little Blue Pills? Come on, guy! It's waaaay too soon.

Seriously, though: you need to step up. If you do indeed fancy yourself a man (heh...that can be read a couple of ways...), then you need to defend your honor. Fight?

Grafix (#3 in a series; Super-Sweet Unicorn Edition)

2006-08-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

Grafix (#2 in a series; special appearance by Sean Hannity)

2006-07-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

Grafix (#1 in a series)

2006-07-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

You Make It Entirely Too Easy For Me

2006-06-27T05:45:00.000-07:00

Ha, ha, ha!

Given that you were detained with some back-door Viagra, I now have a new theory as to why you will not fight me. I suspect that you are ill-equipped with that most necessary component needed to stoke the fires of male aggression: testosterone. I always thought you were as docile as a newborn lambkin whenever you step back from that fabled golden microphone... Apparently you're also as flaccid as a sleeping eel to boot!

What Human Effluvium Is YOUR Favorite Talk-Radio Host?

2006-06-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

A new game: If a talk-radio host were a waste by-product of human existence, what sort would he/she be? I'll start (no comment necessary, as these pairings should be self-evident to even the most casual observer).

Rush Limbaugh--tumor
Michael Savage-- scab
Sean Hannity--turd
Dr. Laura--dandruff
Glen Beck--loogie
Bill O'Reilly--syphillitic seepage

Now you try. Feedback/additions/corrections are most welcome.

More Comedic Tutelage for the Great Maja-Rushie

2006-06-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

Rush, I have taken it on myself to guide you through the dim forest of insipidity and into the clear pasture of proper comedic stylings. Even though I want to call you out into a street fight, I still feel it my duty to inform you of any shortcomings I might observe when listening to your show--call it a public service, if you will...

Repetition. This is the cornerstone of any solid comedy routine. You know this, to be sure. But repetition must be tempered somewhat. Moderation is key. Two examples: If I hear you mention the phrases "Congressman William Jefferson, Democrat Louisiana" or "The Drive-by Media" once more, I swear my head is going to explode into a technicolor splatter of brains and bile. You think you're being clever, but I assure you, there is a threshold when it comes to repetition, and Tubby, you crossed it months ago. It's okay...not everyone can be a George Carlin or Richard Pryor; some of us have to be content just being Carrot Top.

So stupid... *sigh*

A Theory About Your Hearing Loss

2006-06-12T05:43:00.000-07:00

Although there are those who speculate that your addiction to pain medication contributed to your near-complete loss of hearing, I would like to postulate another theory.

Perhaps it was your body's way of rejecting the sound of your own voice, shutting down in order to save itself from the contaminating influence of your grating voice and the inane, putrid tripe it gushes.

I am anticipating grant monies so that I may study this matter further and hopefully prove my hypothesis.

Perhaps My Witty Taunts Escape You...

2006-05-29T15:42:00.000-07:00

Understandable; not everyone is armed with a razor-sharp intellect. Very well then. I'll resort to something more base to try and flush you out:

You're an idiot.

Come on, Limbaugh--don't you feel like defending your honor? Let's fight.

Come ON, man...I thought you were harder than that.

2006-05-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

Last week, I was intrigued by the prospect that you might go to the Big House, do some hard time, pump some prison iron, and come out in better shape for your inevitable pummeling--I was looking quite forward to the challenge, I admit. But then you had to go all soft and let the system molly-coddle you. Weak.

You know, in the midst of Clinton's semantic gymnastics as he tried dodging all matters carnal, you were among the fray hollering about how the children were the ones suffering in all of this--that those poor little tykes were being unduly influenced by our philanderer-in-chief to think of certain fleshly acts as non-sexual. I wonder if you'd accept the same causal argument now that we see Oxycontin abuse is up dramatically among the ankle-biter set. Care to apologize?

A Demographic Study...

2006-03-29T19:06:00.000-08:00

After listening extensively to the commercial spots in between your fetid belchings, I've discovered some telling insights into your audience profile (and, by extension, I can only assume these things apply to you as well). Apparently, your listeners:

suffer from hemorrhoids, constipation, and other ailments that indicate a general full-of-shit-ness
have a fitful, difficult time sleeping at night (no doubt from a guilt-laden conscience)
possess an odd predilection for steel buildings (building their own militia compounds, no doubt)

If I can't get a response after all these attempts to bait you directly, then perhaps I can go after your peeps.

I've Got no Love for You, Rush...

2006-03-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

...and neither does Baltimore, apparently. You loser. Fight?

HAHAHAHA!!!!

2006-03-05T09:23:00.000-08:00

I wonder what Pat Sajack's reaction was after you finished subbing for him on his ill-fated talk show? Heh heh heh...loser.

Talentless, No-Humor Hack

2006-02-24T09:53:00.000-08:00

I just heard one of your pathetic attempts at humor as I was driving home from a lunch outing. Paraphrasing, it went a little like:

Remember that show Xena The Warrior Princess? It was a favorite of feminists everywhere. [Rambling with Mr. Snerdly about the show and Lucy Lawless.] Well, my friends, I'm here to tell you that Hillary Clinton is the xenophobic princess!

Okay, setting aside the fact that the time-honored Clinton-swipe is sooo tired after nearly two decades, there's a more important issue at stake here. If you have to explain the cultural allusion upon which your joke hinges to your audience, then it's probably not funny. You just sank to the depths of Dustin-Diamond-esque comedy with that one, tubs.

Oh, and Another Thing...

2006-02-16T15:32:00.000-08:00

You're balding, too. What now?

Lisping His Way Into Your Hearts...

2006-01-26T14:55:00.000-08:00

Today, I heard you defend your "wimpy" liberal impression to a caller who suggested that it sounded like a stereotypical gay man. I think the really interesting point missed in all of this is how quite good Mr. Thrice-Divorced is at his so-called impersonation. Make of that what you will...

Are you down to your fighting weight yet, Rush? Let's dance.

A New Year, A New Hope

2006-01-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

2006 will be different....I know Rush will stand up, be a man, and rise to the challenge I have put to him. After all, he's a man of the highest moral order, is he not?

I eagerly await word from you, Rush. Until I do, I wish you blisters.

My Screenplay-in-Progress: an Excerpt

2005-12-13T05:44:00.000-08:00

RUSH: (sweating profusely, rolling on ground) Oh great merciful gods in the heavens above!!!! In the name of all that is decent and right, please stop hurting me!

ME: (brandishing needle-nosed pliers, distracted) Now, where did I put that propane torch?

Yet Another Taunt...In Limerick Form!

2005-12-01T12:45:00.000-08:00

This idiot douchebag named Rush
Who has a big boil on his tush--
If it weren't for his fright,
We'd engage in a fight,
Yet he hides 'hind the sound-bytes of Bush.

...Also, what's his beef with the Toyota Prius lately? You'd a thunk it ran over his mother or something...

Why So Quiet, Oh Great Maja-Rushie?

2005-11-18T12:28:00.000-08:00

I couldn't help but notice that you have been absent all this week from your regular hosting duties. I can only assume that the fighting challenges I have issued to you recently have caused you such distress as to render you mute. I wish you a speedy recovery, as part of the satisfaction of whipping you in a street fight involves hearing you plead like a wee teary-eyed bodkin for the beatings to stop.

Fat-head, Fat-head, Roly-Poly Fat-head!

2005-11-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

I remember a time in your fairly recent past when you were fat--I mean like sustains-its-own-gravitational-pull type fat (see here). And, to your credit, you lost a good bit of it (with a little pharmaceutical assistance, to be sure)... That's to be applauded. Unfortunately, you weren't able to lose the fat in the one area that it matters most: your head.

Come on. Let's fight.

Rusty Pots and Kettles and Other Leaky Vessels

2005-11-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

I was listening to your show today, as I am wont to do on occasion, when I heard your whiny, pusillanimous voice make mention of Patrick Leahy (D, VT). You referred to him as "Leaky Leahy," implying that he suffered from incontinence; you even went so far as to suggest that he wore Depends undergarments. Now, I don't know Leahy from Adam, and I have no real interest in defending his honor or anything like that. I do think it's more than a bit brash for someone with your condition, a leaky pilonidal cyst, to insinuate such a thing about anyone else. I think I'd like to kick you in that cyst, as I bet it would be very painful.

PS: Your golf game is weak. Let's fight.

Nattering Nabob of Nincompoopery

2005-10-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

...Still waiting. You know, I'll make time in my busy schedule to accomodate you. Any time. Just say the word, Limbaugh.

(heh...i said "poop.")

Welcome to the Ass-Kickin' Party!

2005-10-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome to "I'm Calling You Out, Rush Limbaugh!" Periodically, this blog will issue street-fight challenges to the man who is easily the most odious skalawag to (dis) grace the airwaves: Rush Limbaugh (nee Jeff Christie). Please note that this blog is not necessarily politically affiliated, nor are its contents political in nature. I'm just tired of hearing Limbaugh screeching incessantly like some sort of red-bottomed hatemonkey, so I figured, "Hey...someone ought to clean this guy's clock." That guy is me.

So watcha say, El Rushbo? Come get some.