"Phony" Soldiers Want to Pummel You...

...as do I. But for some odd reason, you refuse to pony up to the challenge. Is it the liability concerns that are keeping you from accepting? In advance of the rather unlikely event that I were to get hurt, I could sign a waiver. Just trying to help, douche.

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Rush Goes Green?

...and I'm assuming also soft in the process, which explains why I have yet to receive a reply to my open invitation for a knock-down, drag-out, one-man-left-standing, eyeball-dangling-from-its-socket street brawl. Go enjoy your hot, yet still environmentally responsible, bathwater, you old goat.

A Manly Man's Soundtrack?

Egads! I had blocked it from my mind for nearly a year, but you've reminded me yet again that one of your favoritest musical ensembles is...Mannheim Steamroller?!? For that alone, you deserve a royal, lace-collared ass-kicking. Me? When I get in that festive holiday mood, I crank up Papa James Brown's "Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto"--that song's got soul, and it's super-bad. Like me. When I'm handing out severe punishment to limp dishcloths like you.

A Finger-Wagging for The (So-Called) Great One

Dear Rush,

Let me take a serious tone for a moment and address what I feel is an incredible shortcoming in your character. On the day after the election, you revealed on your broadcast that you felt "liberated" by the Democratic victory, and that you resented "carrying water" for a group of wayward, corrupt, and (according to you) non-conservative Republicans. You seemed happy to have the bums out so you no longer had to sniff their trousers. Good on you, buddy.

From where I sit, your listeners should feel extremely betrayed by you, and for a couple of reasons. Obviously, you confessed to them that you had been lying directly into their ears these past several years, that you didn't really believe that the party you were rallying behind still held to the principles of conservatism that you try so damned hard to espouse. That alone should earn you some well-deserved ire from your fans.

But behind this confession hides a bigger reason to turn away from you. You, Limbaugh, have the ear of the conservative half of the nation. In spite, of your self-depricating claims of unimportance, you have the power to influence the course of events as you sit in your comfy Atilla the Hun Chair ensconsed in your posh EIB studio. You could have spent these last few years serving as a corrective to the conservative slide. Rather than carry water for your corrupt politicos, you could have encouraged listeners to put more pressure on them to behave, to hold themselves close to the principles they pretend to hold. You did not. You lacked that moral courage. You can act as if you're above the fray in the aftermath of this past election, but you helped this happen.

I say again: you helped this happen. You deserve nothing less than complete irrelevance for that crime. Alas, I believe that you will not get that sentence; your forlorn listeners will cling ever the more tightly to the AM radio in the aftermath of November 7. And for that, they likewise deserve what they will get, every last crumb.

Enjoy your ulcer.

Poor, Poor Thing...

Sad times for you, Mister Limbaugh. You must be feeling extremely frustrated right now. So frustrated, perhaps, that you might like to try and take those frustrations out on someone. I'll be your huckleberry. We can rumble street-style. It will be a pleasure to serve you...and to kick your rancid tail all up and down the alleyway.

Legalize It!

I just know it has to be tearing both of you up inside... The two of you would make the most darling couple, really--finishing each other's sentences, straightening each other's tie, spouting out the same tired propaganda.

Enough daydreaming. Would you care to fight?

Preach, Coddler!

Turns out El-Rushbo is a constituent of Congressman Mark Foley, he of the randy IM ministrations. Were you well served by him, Rush? Drawing cover for a child-tickler is really low, even for you. You could really benefit from a sound thrashing. . .